April 14, 2014 / 2:27AM 18 notes

The first picture was taken about a month after the cuts were made. The second picture was taken tonight, about six months after. 
Having suffered from mental illness since I was 15, I’m very familiar with the relapse-recover-relapse-recover cycle that’s very easy to get stuck in. I’ve been cutting myself since I was 16 years old. The longest I went between relapses was no longer than a month. Until now. 
Tonight marks 200 days since I last brought that evil blade to my skin.
Cutting was something that I learned to depend. It was a crutch that stopped me from dealing with my problems. With every scar that I left on myself, a little bit of myself died as well. It was an addiction; a horrible addiction that stole my sleep, my appetite. my grades, my family, my friends, my sanity, and my love for myself. NEVER underestimate how much hate it takes to take a blade to your own skin; the beautiful skin that holds you together, keeps you from getting sick, keeps you alive. Tearing it apart is synonymous to tearing yourself apart, and nothing will get better if you’re still doing it.
I’ve come a long way since I last relapsed. I take medication three times a day, every day. I was in weekly therapy for months before I went to once a month and then stopped it altogether. I’ve had to relearn how to live my life without the a constant cloud hanging over my head. I had to learn to embrace my beautiful skin, my beautiful body, my beautiful face, my beautiful heart, my beautiful soul. I had to learn how to choose happiness every single day. I had to learn that I had the freedom to decide how my life would go. I had to learn to be happy.
I’m so happy to wake up every day. I’m so happy to be living this life, in this body. Recovery is possible. Hope is so real. 
I’m so happy to have clean skin for the first time in four years. I’m never going back.

The first picture was taken about a month after the cuts were made. The second picture was taken tonight, about six months after. 

Having suffered from mental illness since I was 15, I’m very familiar with the relapse-recover-relapse-recover cycle that’s very easy to get stuck in. I’ve been cutting myself since I was 16 years old. The longest I went between relapses was no longer than a month. Until now. 

Tonight marks 200 days since I last brought that evil blade to my skin.

Cutting was something that I learned to depend. It was a crutch that stopped me from dealing with my problems. With every scar that I left on myself, a little bit of myself died as well. It was an addiction; a horrible addiction that stole my sleep, my appetite. my grades, my family, my friends, my sanity, and my love for myself. NEVER underestimate how much hate it takes to take a blade to your own skin; the beautiful skin that holds you together, keeps you from getting sick, keeps you alive. Tearing it apart is synonymous to tearing yourself apart, and nothing will get better if you’re still doing it.

I’ve come a long way since I last relapsed. I take medication three times a day, every day. I was in weekly therapy for months before I went to once a month and then stopped it altogether. I’ve had to relearn how to live my life without the a constant cloud hanging over my head. I had to learn to embrace my beautiful skin, my beautiful body, my beautiful face, my beautiful heart, my beautiful soul. I had to learn how to choose happiness every single day. I had to learn that I had the freedom to decide how my life would go. I had to learn to be happy.

I’m so happy to wake up every day. I’m so happy to be living this life, in this body. Recovery is possible. Hope is so real. 

I’m so happy to have clean skin for the first time in four years. I’m never going back.

self harmrecoverybipolar disorderbipolarbipolar 1bipolar 2trigger warningdepressionanxietygeneralized anxiety disordermental illnessmental disordermental disorderssuicide

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April 14, 2014 / 2:11AM 5 notes

Anonymous asked My secret? I walk by the train tracks everyday on my way to work and stand up on the bridge above them and look down and I just hope beyond hope that a little burst of wind or something will push me over and then when it doesn't I come home and mentally abuse myself to the point where I have to cut to stop me from destroying myself from the inside...I want to give up but I know if I finally killed myself my girlfriend would right after me...I don't know what to do and I can't keep going..help

my secret? i stopped looking when i crossed the street when i was 15. i only just started caring enough to look six months ago. we all go through bad times, some worse than others, but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. what you’re going through won’t last forever, but you have to go out there and get it. i didn’t get on the road to recovery by not doing anything to better myself. i had to get professional help, consciously take my medication every day, go to therapy, learn what to do instead of cutting myself, let people in, talk when i was sad, and most importantly, start loving myself. do i still have bad days? yes. will i struggle for the rest of my life? yes. but the important thing is that i’m trying and i don’t want to die anymore.

stand up and fight for yourself. remember that you have the freedom to choose the direction your life leads. if you’re not happy in your relationship and it’s not healthy, then you don’t have to be in it. if you’re not happy with your life, change it. i know you can do this. i believe in you.

take care. <3

self harmdepressiontrigger warningsuicide

Question/answer post
April 11, 2014 / 4:26AM 263 notes

missionsempiternal:

Suicidal people are just angels waiting to go home.

NO SUICIDAL PEOPLE ARE MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE WHO NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. STOP FUCKING GLAMORIZING THIS SHIT. ITS REAL AND SCARY AND NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN USE TO GET FUCKING NOTES. AS SOMEONE WHO HAS ATTEMPTED TWICE IM PERSONALLY OFFENDED BY THIS. JESUS CHRIST.

(via everyday-darkness)

suicidetired of this shit

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January 24, 2014 / 6:30PM 80 notes

exactly four months ago today, i was a wreck. i was at the end of my rope. i was the worst i had ever been. the week before, i had slit my wrists multiple times, cut up my thighs, and was taken to the hospital before being brought back home.

i shouldn’t have been brought back home.

bipolar disorder was something i’d come to associate with myself only a few months before. but depression was something that had become a part of who i was. depression had been with me for four years, but this was the worst i’d ever felt it. life wasn’t just gray, it was black. i was on several medications that weren’t doing anything for me at all. i was in weekly therapy but every session flew out of my mind the second i left. 

i felt i had nothing to live for. 

when i got home from work that night, i got one of my blades and took a bath. i cut my thighs so much that the water was tinted with red by the time i was done. i went over old cuts, newer cuts, scars; i didn’t care. i got out of the bath, went into the kitchen, grabbed my bottle of sleeping pills and a drink and went into my room. a few minutes later, i’d swallowed ten pills. i was stopped by my parents. i’d never been so disappointed in my life.

after that, i spent six days in the hospital recovering from my suicide attempt. i’d spent time in the hospital earlier that year, in March, but it was different this time. it didn’t give me as much hope as it had before. i slept through most of the first two days. they stripped me off all my meds and put me on completely new ones. i felt so lonely and helpless and hopeless. all i did was cry and scratch at my cuts and sleep way too much. when i got out, i still felt as if i was in a haze.

for a month after i got out of the hospital, i felt worse than i had before i’d gone in. life sucked. all i could think about was how much i wished my attempt had worked and i had died that night. i couldn’t do my schoolwork, i could barely do my job, i couldn’t socialize; i couldn’t do anything but sleep and eat and yearn for just one cut, just one fucking cut. 

but i held out. i stayed strong. i threw out my razors. i took my pills responsibly. and i got better.

i spend a lot of my time talking with people who have been in the same position that i have. i’ve heard a lot of the same phrases that i used to use:

there’s no hope.

i’m never going to get better.

i’d be better off dead.

my life isn’t worth living. 

i’m never going to be happy.

i’m hopeless.

i’m worthless.

i’m done. 

if you only remember one thing i say in this post, please please please have it be this.

you are worth it. life is worth it. there is help out there for you. you are going to get better. you are going to be so happy and so loved. just because it’s bad right now doesn’t mean it will always be bad. i don’t care how low you are, how far you’ve fallen, what kind of hell you’re going through; it WILL get better. you’re going to smile and laugh again. your cuts are going to scar. someone is going to love you. you will love yourself and your life. 

i’m living proof.

HOPE. IS. REAL.

stay safe, stay lovely, and if you ever need somebody, i’m here.

<3

bipolarbipolar disorderdepressionself harmtrigger warningcuttingsuiciderecoveryit gets betterbipolar 1bipolar 2hospitalcleanfour months cleanwow

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January 4, 2014 / 11:27PM 27 notes

I’m not ashamed to say I used to cut myself.

Why?

Because I USED TO cut myself.

self harmtrigger warningcuttingbipolar disorderbipolarbipolar 2depressionsuicide

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October 9, 2013 / 12:28AM 2 notes

I’m having a fucking miserable night. My coworker taunted me because of my self harm scars then offered me a knife to go and do some more. And hey, surprise, now I REALLY want to! I’m just so miserable and I wish it had worked. I’m envious of those with completed suicides because mine failed and now I have to live this horrible life that I don’t want to live anymore. I just want my boyfriend but he’s busy so i guess I’m crying myself to sleep tonight, alone. Better start preparing for the rest of my life.

self harmsuicidetrigger warning

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October 2, 2013 / 12:08AM

For those who don’t know, I attempted suicide last Tuesday. I was hospitalized. Got out yesterday. And here I am. I’ve been admitting that I’m happy to be alive for the past two days but it’s late. I’m in a house where every other person despises me, resents me, and makes me feel like we’d all be better off if I had gone through with it. My boyfriend is asleep. I’m tired. I’m sick. And god fucking dammit… I wish it had worked.

depressionbipolarsuicidetrigger warning

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September 2, 2013 / 3:49AM 8 notes

Anonymous asked How does it feel to be bipolar? No offense

how does it feel to be bipolar? well fuck. this is quite a difficult question to answer. a lot of the times, it feels like your brain is fighting against you, trying its best to make sure you suffer. it feels like jumping off the high dive and getting a wonderful high when you’re at the top, like you’re invincible and the world can’t hurt you and nothing will be bad again, but then you land in the cold water and it all comes rushing back to you and you realize that your high was a fake and nothing is ever going to be ok again. and the higher you jump, the further you fall, and the harder it is to kick back to the surface. it feels like a huge identity crisis. who am i? am i manic Erika or depressed Erika? is there even a normal Erika? or am i just major depressed Erika, dysthymia Erika, hypo manic Erika, or manic Erika? and how do i KNOW? every part of me is determined by my mental illness. i’m this or that, up or down. i don’t know what it’s like to just walk down the street like a normal person. i’m either walking down that street wanting to jump in front of a car or walking down that street wanting to jump on top of a car and go for a ride. it consumes. that’s what it does. bipolar consumes. that’s why i don’t say i have bipolar disorder. i say i am bipolar. because i am. everything i do and every decision i make is because of bipolar disorder. should i drink this soda, eat this cookie, watch this movie, take this class, stay up this late, read this book, talk to this person? will this trigger my mania or my depression or my anxiety? i shove five pills down my throat a night and go to weekly therapy because of this disorder. it’s really fucked up because my life has to revolve around bipolar disorder for me to get any sort of relief from bipolar disorder. so to answer your question anon, it sucks. count these 300+ scars on my body and read my journals and track the tears down my cheeks and observe my lack of sanity, my lack of friends. hop onto my ups and downs and ride this roller coaster with me and try not to throw up at the end of it. but it’s not the end, it’s never the end. get an endless supply of barf bags because these roller coasters will last forever. we’re never free. we’re forever slaves. welcome to bipolar disorder.

bipolarbipolar disorderbipolar 2bipolar 1mental illnessmental disordersself harmsuicidemaniahypomaniadysthymiaanxiety

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