this is my babeh, Luke. handsome, right? he’s a marine. he’s over in Japan right now for a two year deployment. then he has to come back to the states for another one year deployment. so basically, no Lukey for three years. we’ve never met… not in person. we met online a little while ago. but i already know that i love him.
now he’s more than a little hesitant to turn it into anything official, and i get that, i really do. he can’t be with me or touch me or kiss me for three years. that’s a long time. but it’s not even just about that; i know it’s not. we both have really nasty pasts with depression and self harm. obviously both of our self esteems are shot to shit, but i’ve never met anyone who hates themselves as much as this handsome, amazing man hates himself. he hates himself more than i hate myself. and i was unaware that that was even possible.
he’s made me promise that i won’t wait for him, but i only did it to appease him, really. that’s actually exactly what i’m planning on doing; waiting for him. but he is 100% convinced that i’ll find somebody better than him. i’ve told him that people like that don’t exist, but he insists they do. that they’re everywhere. he’s convinced that i’m just settling for him and that i’ll realize it eventually; that i’ll realize that there are, in his own words, “millions of better people.” that i’ll eventually realize that he’s, again in his own words, “number two or lower” because “everyone else does.”
what hurts the most about this is that he is legitimately the most amazing guy that i’ve ever met in my entire life. he’s a total sweetheart, he’s handsome, he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s clever, and he has a heart the size of planet earth. he cares about me, genuinely cares about me. i’ve been on the brink with my depression lately and he has pulled me back from the edge of the cliff time and time again. i had a cutting relapse about two weeks ago and when i told him he made me promise not to do it again. and i haven’t. every time i say that i’m having the urge he calms me down with a “please don’t, baby” or a “you’re doing so good, i’m so proud of you, stay strong” or a “you’re amazing, i love you.” if it weren’t for him, i would be cutting myself every night.
he’s saved my skin, my heart, and my life. i feel happy when i talk to him, genuinely happy, and i haven’t felt that in years. i’d lost hope that i would ever find somebody who accepted me completely for who i am and embraced my flaws. i always thought that i’d eventually just settle for some tool or die alone. but for the first time in forever, i have hope. because of him. i’m learning to love myself. i’m learning to see myself through his eyes, as the beautiful, funny, kind, smart, amazing woman that he sees me as.
and it feels absolutely incredible.
but i don’t know how to do the same for him. and he needs it way more than i do. i tell him every day how handsome and amazing i think he is, that i love him and am so glad i met him, but nothing seems to work. there is nothing more painful than seeing this amazing man in so much pain because he legitimately believes that he is worthless. and he’s not. he’s worth so much to me. i legitimately don’t know what i would do without him.
so help me out tumblr! i really want to help him see that he is amazing and wonderful and perfect and deserving of every bit of love and happiness that comes his way. like or reblog if you agree with me; that this wonderful, handsome marine deserves happiness and respect and love and is worth so much more than he believes. i’ll eventually show the notes to him and be like SEE. YOU’RE WRONG. I’M RIGHT. NOW LET ME LOVE YOU.
i love you, Lukey. you’re amazing, and someday you’ll see that.