Erika

this is my babeh, Luke. handsome, right? he’s a marine. he’s over in Japan right now for a two year deployment. then he has to come back to the states for another one year deployment. so basically, no Lukey for three years. we’ve never met… not in person. we met online a little while ago. but i already know that i love him.

now he’s more than a little hesitant to turn it into anything official, and i get that, i really do. he can’t be with me or touch me or kiss me for three years. that’s a long time. but it’s not even just about that; i know it’s not. we both have really nasty pasts with depression and self harm. obviously both of our self esteems are shot to shit, but i’ve never met anyone who hates themselves as much as this handsome, amazing man hates himself. he hates himself more than i hate myself. and i was unaware that that was even possible.

he’s made me promise that i won’t wait for him, but i only did it to appease him, really. that’s actually exactly what i’m planning on doing; waiting for him. but he is 100% convinced that i’ll find somebody better than him. i’ve told him that people like that don’t exist, but he insists they do. that they’re everywhere. he’s convinced that i’m just settling for him and that i’ll realize it eventually; that i’ll realize that there are, in his own words, “millions of better people.” that i’ll eventually realize that he’s, again in his own words, “number two or lower” because “everyone else does.”

what hurts the most about this is that he is legitimately the most amazing guy that i’ve ever met in my entire life. he’s a total sweetheart, he’s handsome, he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s clever, and he has a heart the size of planet earth. he cares about me, genuinely cares about me. i’ve been on the brink with my depression lately and he has pulled me back from the edge of the cliff time and time again. i had a cutting relapse about two weeks ago and when i told him he made me promise not to do it again. and i haven’t. every time i say that i’m having the urge he calms me down with a “please don’t, baby” or a “you’re doing so good, i’m so proud of you, stay strong” or a “you’re amazing, i love you.” if it weren’t for him, i would be cutting myself every night.

he’s saved my skin, my heart, and my life. i feel happy when i talk to him, genuinely happy, and i haven’t felt that in years. i’d lost hope that i would ever find somebody who accepted me completely for who i am and embraced my flaws. i always thought that i’d eventually just settle for some tool or die alone. but for the first time in forever, i have hope. because of him. i’m learning to love myself. i’m learning to see myself through his eyes, as the beautiful, funny, kind, smart, amazing woman that he sees me as.

and it feels absolutely incredible.

but i don’t know how to do the same for him. and he needs it way more than i do. i tell him every day how handsome and amazing i think he is, that i love him and am so glad i met him, but nothing seems to work. there is nothing more painful than seeing this amazing man in so much pain because he legitimately believes that he is worthless. and he’s not. he’s worth so much to me. i legitimately don’t know what i would do without him.

so help me out tumblr! i really want to help him see that he is amazing and wonderful and perfect and deserving of every bit of love and happiness that comes his way. like or reblog if you agree with me; that this wonderful, handsome marine deserves happiness and respect and love and is worth so much more than he believes. i’ll eventually show the notes to him and be like SEE. YOU’RE WRONG. I’M RIGHT. NOW LET ME LOVE YOU.

i love you, Lukey. you’re amazing, and someday you’ll see that.

<3

ok, you see this guy? this handsome, amazingly sexy guy? yeah, i am falling for him hardcore. and it is scary. we met about a month ago, online, and have been messaging back and forth on kik ever since. people usually stop taking me seriously at that point. if they didn’t then, they usually will when i tell them that he’s deployed for the next three years.

yeah. this is not an ideal situation.

but let me tell you something. two months ago i was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. cuts slashed up and down both of my arms, 200+ cuts littered all across my thighs. i had just about given up, and while the hospital stay helped, i was still pretty fucking miserable. still am sometimes. but this precious marine has done more for me than people that i have known for years. in real life. i’ve never met anyone who reminds me as much as he does that i am beautiful and amazing and loved and worthy and deserving of all the good things in life. he’s talked me off of a metaphorical ledge more times than i could tell you. he’s kind and caring and funny and sexy and quite literally the most amazing guy i’ve had the pleasure of interacting with.

and guess what? he’s human! he has problems too. very, very similar problems. the first time i showed him my wrist tattoos, he said “oh, look. you have track marks. just like me.” all i can think about when i think about this beautiful boy hurting himself is oh my god. how could anyone as wonderful as him possibly hurt himself in that way? and then i stop and think… does he feel this way about me? and i know he does. he’s told me. countless times.

now i’m not delusional here. i’m not a child with a starry eyed crush. i understand that he’s going to be out of the country for the next two years and serving another year here in the states. i’m not stupid enough to think that this is going to be sunshine and butterflies. i know that relationships like this are trying for people who have actually met and been together for months and years. i know the chances of this not working out are much higher than the chances of it working out.

but you know what? no one has ever made me feel as good about myself as this boy has. i’m a lonely girl and this isn’t my first stint with someone from the internet. most of the time i talk to a guy for a little while, he pressures me for nudes and/or sexts, i say no, he gets pissed, the “relationship” deteriorates. this boy here has never once pressured me for anything more than i have been willing to give him on my own. and that’s a big one for me. especially for someone i met online.

i guess i’m just amazed and overjoyed that someone like this is actually talking to me and complimenting me and treating me like i’m worth something. i’m not used to that kind of treatment… i haven’t felt this good about myself in years. and after the hellish four year battle i’ve had with depression, that’s not something i’m willing to give up.

idk, i guess i just need someone to believe in me, us. believe in the idea that maybe it doesn’t matter that we’re so far apart and will be for a long time. maybe all that matters is that we share a genuine connection, similar back stories and struggles. maybe all that matters is that i’m willing to work for it, because people like this don’t just randomly stumble into my lap on a daily basis, and with the way my life has been going, i think it’s obvious that i need someone like this. idk, maybe all that matters is that i can see a future with him, and i can see myself loving this boy. sure, it scares the shit out of me, and sure, i lay awake at night thinking of all the bad possible outcomes, but i have a history of not taking chances and it is obviously not working out well for me. maybe it’s time to do the opposite of what i’m doing.

what do you say tumblr, fans of the underdogs and cheerleaders for people who have every odd against them, what do you say? do you believe in me?!