I feel better today. My mom bought me some shoes and clothes and flowers and a nice little card then took me out to dinner. We talked some. I have an appointment with my NP tomorrow so we’ll see what she has to say. Then my mom wants to sit down and talk with me about some things so. We’re on the right track, I guess.
Idk. I’m just ready to be ok for once in my miserable life.
How is it that a guy I’ve been talking to for a month has already earned my trust and knows how to comfort me and talk to me like an actual person while my parents, who have been raising me for 19 years, have destroyed every bit of trust I had for them and seem to have taken a class on the worst possible methods for dealing with a depressed person?
Something is just off here.
Dealing with a depressed person is a lot like dealing with a wild animal. Be gentle and kind and patient and they just may trust you and start to open up. But be intense and confrontational and they’ll probably just bite your head off and retreat completely. Just a little tip.
i’m so fucking tired of my parents treating me like this. they found a receipt for razors and totally tore me a new one. i’m just tired of talking about this. yeah, i cut. once. i understand that it’s a big deal to them and it scares them, but is it really necessary to get right up in my face and scream at me like there’s no tomorrow? until i can feel your spit flying into my face? really? are they playing stupid or are they really just that fucking clueless? after four years, two daughters with depression, and they really don’t know how to deal with a depressed person? really?
if you’re trying to get through to me, you don’t fucking scream at me. you don’t cry and tell me how much i’m hurting you. you don’t demand that i undress and show you all my cuts. no, what you do is you suck it up, give me my space, and then, when i’m ready, you sit down and calmly, calmly, talk to me. actually, no, don’t fucking talk, listen. listen to what i have to say. comfort me. don’t minimize me, don’t guilt trip me, don’t make it about you, and don’t treat me like i’m a fucking lazy piece of shit whose only goal is to ruin your life.
i didn’t want to spend my night crying because my parents have a way of making me feel like the most worthless person alive. it’s been almost an hour and i’m still crying.
i’m so fucking done with this. i need to move out.
I’m so selfish. And I’m so sorry.
I feel like everyone is turning their back on me and yet I have almost 60 messages on here I have yet to respond to. I’m ignoring the people who genuinely care and mourning over the people who don’t give a fuck.
I guess I just feel like it’s all slowly closing in and idk how to stop it. It’s like when I need people more than anything they decide to check out and it’s not fair. I’m slowly being abandoned and forgotten and you’d think it was stop hurting after the five millionth time but it just gets worse.
I’m alone. I’m stuck inside my own head and no one can get in. The ones I want to aren’t even trying. And it’s like every day I wish I had been stronger. I wish I would have actually swallowed the pills instead of putting them back. I wish I would have cut deeper. I wish I would have gotten up the courage to just end if because I can’t now. Too many people are invested. Too many people have made the stupid decision to care about me, even tho I’m nothing. Scum. Worth less than the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
I wish I had some hope left in me but I don’t. My life will consist of nothing but suffering and I just have to deal. I’m going to be unhappy for the next fifty years. Less than that if I’m lucky.
God. Why hasn’t this just killed me already?
i fucking hate this. like my life is simply this huge, dark cloud with tiny bursts of light coming through every once in a while and they excite me so fucking much but they’re so few and far between and when they leave i’m fucking heartbroken and no one wants to get in the cloud with me so i’m just by myself in the darkness wishing the cloud will just swallow me already and take me out of my misery
one night i was sitting on my bed with my razor, ready to cut, when my cat came and sat on my thigh so that i wouldn’t do it. it was simultaneously that sweetest and most heartbreaking thing ever. i just broke down and cried. i don’t think i could ever love anything more than i love her. <3