I’m really sad tonight. I just want to cry and scream and cut and die. And I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one. So I’m just going to get into my pajamas, go get some ice cream, watch the X Factor and try not to bawl my eyes out. Crying is just no fun when you have no one there to comfort you.
For those who don’t know, I attempted suicide last Tuesday. I was hospitalized. Got out yesterday. And here I am. I’ve been admitting that I’m happy to be alive for the past two days but it’s late. I’m in a house where every other person despises me, resents me, and makes me feel like we’d all be better off if I had gone through with it. My boyfriend is asleep. I’m tired. I’m sick. And god fucking dammit… I wish it had worked.
Recovery isn’t perfection. It’s not never relapsing again as long as you live. It’s not being happy, healthy, and sane 100% of the time. Recovery is buying razor blades and throwing them away an hour later. Recovery is crying yourself to sleep and getting out of bed the next morning with a smile on your face. Recovery is relapsing and making mistakes and learning from them. Recovery is making a conscious decision every day to fight; fight for a better life, a realer smile, a reason to keep going. Recovery is living a shitty life but still seeing beauty in the sun, the smiles of others, and, most importantly, yourself.
my favorite and most depended on advice blog, cutting-advice.tumblr.com, has been taken down for unknown reasons. none of the admins know what’s going on. they have all put a lot into that blog and many people depend on them to help them through their issues. if you guys could just email tumblr support and let them know that the blog is down, that would be awesome and much appreciated.
i’ve gotten to the point where i can understand and accept that some of the things i say and do are because of my mental illness and i really don’t have a whole lot of control over them. now getting other people to understand that… that’s a challenge…